Humility Now! & Transparency

Last weekend, I played in a volleyball tournament with a very talented and skilled team. Their level of play, and my observation of the abilities in the entire gym, combined to allow me to play, in my opinion, the best all-around day of volleyball I have ever played. This was incredibly exciting. An added benefit... the team I was a part of won the tournament and we had a blast competing together.

The downside: my ego kicked in. I'm not talking about my ego like "Oh, I'm so good. Look at me go" ego. Nope. (To the contrary, there were FAR better players than I represented last weekend. I marveled, wonderfully inspired, by what their/our bodies could/can achieve!) I'm talking about my Freudian-ego-- that part of me which seeks to sort out my identity, which seeks to define me in terms that are Good, will bring Pleasure, and in many ways anesthetize any sense of inferiority, pain, or discontent which may arise.

I have made a conscious practice the past 4 to 5 months to let go of my ego, at times more and at times less gracefully aware of my most humbling existence in our vast and diverse human race. I think, perhaps, my ego took this opportunity to rise up mightily and remind me of its immense power to cloud the mind when left unchecked. Sports and competition: two of its greatest allies in my life. This backlash-ing attack of ego has left me nearly unable to recognize myself or find a center from which to operate. It may sound dramatic but such is my existence.

And the complexities of life always add in as factors in the ebb and flow of life's equation: I've been sick. I'm coming down from the Christmas high. (always something to look forward to in the Holiday Season... what now?) I'm making some important decisions about work and school, scheduling and finances, home and hearth. Dare I be transparent enough to say that monthly hormonal event we females endure to bring most precious new life to earth came to visit me? (Yes, I do dare. But see how I put it in such lovely terms so as to cover up my embarrassment at mentioning it. I'm all about full disclosure at present.) And recent experience at seminary has left me wondering what ways work best for me in my approach to God, the Eternal, my inner relationship with Divinity.

This week I read two of Reverend Kate Braestrup's memoirs, Here If You Need Me and Marriage and Other Acts of Charity. Kate is chaplain for the Maine Warden Service. Of the many stories that touched me in her books, the gem which helped bring greatest awareness was a discussion regarding transparency.
"Exactly! Yes! Yes! The whole point of a window is that you look through it. Right?... The whole purpose and function of a window is to look through it, to see what lies beyond it.... Ahhhh, indeed! Yes, my clever friends, this is what Tillich was trying to get at: Scripture is a window. A prayer is a window. The Bible is a window and even- though Tillich got in trouble for saying so-- Jesus was a window." (p104 Marriage & Other Acts...)
If that is all true, then it may also be true that this brief period of my life- marked by depressive moods, a poor and breaking heart and Spirit, and an inability to rise-up as my extrovert personality generally leads- is also transparent. Staying present in the experience, I can let it Be, without judgment or the need to change it, confident this experience is a part of Divine-Manifestation unfolding.

Fortunately for me, I am surrounded by people who Graciously and Grace-fully love me enough to let it happen, let me happen. My boyfriend, my sisters, my Mom, my friends, my nieces even (though they'd prefer I "make them laugh" on command while watching them in the tubby), accept me, talk with me, Love me... amazingly expecting nothing in return.

Surrounded by Love, I recognize my ego's need for control, definition, meaning.
Surrounded by Love, I breathe into it and Let Go. Transparently aware.

Joy, Hope, Love, and Peace... that we all might share, Trish

Oh! Christmas... a Wii??!! Really?!

I'm in a crying mood today.
I'm not sad. Nothing major has happened. No worries. I'm simply and completely overwhelmed.

People keep saying, "That's just Christmas," and of course, they're right. I know. I get it. It's a month devoted to indulgence. We indulge ourselves in giving, receiving, baking, eating, decorating, partying, preparing, expecting, hoping, and more. But there's something about "it's just the time of year" that doesn't help to soothe my mind and soul. I cannot accept that this is an acceptable way to feel just because it's the season for it.

Restless. That's actually the word. I'm not so much overwhelmed as restless. In every store I enter, there are tags hanging on trees for people who may have nothing if we don't buy for them. The homeless shelters in Bangor are low on volunteers to prepare their gifts to be given on Christmas Eve. Outreach International reminds us of all those people in Haiti needing water and shelter and of the people around the world who simply need education or a couple chickens and a hen. I'm reminded of my own limitations and insignificance in the grander scheme of Life.

Yet, as I shopped for one man who would supposedly be getting nothing for Christmas without the generosity of others, I was taken aback by his "want." At Manna Ministries, those asking for assistance list a "need" and a "want". They are almost always very modest. This man was not, and he disrupted my generally easy generosity. He asked for a Nintendo Wii gaming system. (I did not buy it for him... I considered coal and a scathing note... I also did not do that.) I guess the point is, I wanted to know he NEEDED something for sure, and I wanted to know he appreciated what he was given. In other words, I was putting substantial conditions on my giving. And there it is. I've allowed the consumerism in. I've let down my guard enough to lose sight of the real Spirit of Christ-mas. It doesn't feel good. It feels cheap. It feels unsettling. It feels in-authentic and anything but genuine and Spiritual.

And then, in a moment's flash of the true Spirit of Christmas, I am blown away by the unexpected generosity of a friend and a sister. There's a general level of expectation at this time that people will be "giving" in nature. 'Tis the season of giving after all. But, the un-anticipated gift of a youth reaching out for his friend and many people stepping forward with gifts of time, money, and love AT THE LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT, when none of us really had the time or money to give... that's what makes me cry. An unexpected text. A hope-filled plea. Answered need. And the best part is, for me, it wasn't about buying gifts for this friend and family... it was about supporting each other, knowing we're there for each other, understanding more deeply what community is about.

This season is so full. Full on every level-- emotional, physical, mental, spiritual. The opportunities for growth and meaning are limitless it seems. If we rationalize "it's just Christmas", I'm pretty sure we'll miss out.

This, to me, is the real meaning of Christmas. Opportunity born and recognized. Then a choice-- will I/we seize the opportunity of Love, Peace, Joy, Relevance when life is so overwhelming? Will I/we miss it and miss out, blinded by the gifts, glittery lights, sheer amount of need, etc...? To me, it's not so much about celebrating the Birth and Life of Christ as embracing the birth and life of this moment in my life and the lives of those with whom I meet and interact. In my heart of hearts, this is what I truly believe. I believe that's when Jesus becomes Christ.

May you take the time to reflect. May you take the time to just "be". May you take the time to pay attention to this season... full of opportunity.

Joy, Hope, Love, and Peace... that we all might share! Trish


PS... If I were preaching, I would at some point add this and more: What Christ, the Apostle Paul, and Christian communities throughout time have begun and lived out ONLY finds relevance for us as we reflect on it, examine it, find our Truth, and live it out. We are not Christians to point at Christ as someone to hide behind(... though in our weakness, he provides a shield and a model). We are Christians to point out what it means when a life is lived in tune with the Love of God. This is the goal... ever-failing, ever-succeeding. It's all at once a difficult and amazing journey. May yours be truly blessed.

Change???

After a fall that has been filled with study, reading, retreats, choir planning and practice, travel, giving up a coaching position that I love, attempting to reconcile Buddhist and Christian thought and practice, a new young adult ministry, and some changes in my personal life, I've decided that change is actually pretty hard.

Yesterday, after returning from a 3rd-8th grade retreat in Tiverton, Rhode Island which was rewarding and meaningful in so many ways, I was exhausted. But it wasn't just physical exhaustion. I think it was the mathematical reality of "an end-is-in-sight" + "I've-been-pushing-for-so-long" + "I'm completely physically wiped out" + "day-after-great-event-letdown"= utter exhaustion equation.

With one class to go in New Testament, I now have questions and doubts about nearly everything in the New Testament. I wish I were exaggerating, but I'm not. In one short little semester, I have, thankfully, been pushed so far to now confidently say, "For all that I know, I truly do not know all that much." :o) It's a wonderful, humbling, difficult, and disconcerting thing to be in that place in life. On the one hand, it would be nice to feel confident in my knowledge, in what my brain says and does and thinks. On the other hand, if I admit to my lack of knowledge, I'm left with what my heart says. And my heart can be completely trusted. It says, "Love deeply. Care. The most important things are people, relationships, support, and presence."

And so, with one class to go in Buddhism, I now know more than I ever imagined I would. I have answers and assurances about some of the most important questions of my life. Some of the places that need attention and healing inside me are being touched. I have a tool, called Meditation, which I intend to use daily for the rest of my life. 15 minutes of meditation can range from being so frustrating to so entirely liberating, but meditation ALWAYS yields more positive results in my life than I can express.

With all of these experiences, I am within the season of Advent--my favorite time of the Christian year. It is a time devoted to expectation and preparation for something new, precious, and special in each of our lives and in the life of our little communities (church, family, friends, etc...). I am aware daily that, in my awareness, I can become more peaceful in my behaviors, thoughts, and conversations. I can seek joy and find it in some moments. This is not easy!! But it is possible.

My emotions are on my sleeve. I am a bit raw and undone. I can go from giddy, to angry, to crying with love or sadness at the drop of a hat at times.

Am I in a good place? Am I mad (as in crazy)? Am I just exactly where I'm supposed to be?

Anyone can be the judge. As for me, I'm going to attempt to refrain judgment and move through it honestly. And that is my prayer for all. May we be aware, expectant, and honest, tending to those we know and love this holiday season.

Joy, Hope, Love, and Peace... that we all might share! Trish

Dear "(insert your name here)",...

We are taking up the letters of the Apostle Paul in my New Testament class. Letters are SO VERY SPECIAL. I've decided to send one card/letter every day for the next month. Anybody want to join me?!
I've written a letter to you. Here it is. Imagine an envelope with a sticker of a frog on it. You pull out a piece of light green paper which has been tri-folded. I drew a heart on the top because it's about all I can draw. :) Enjoy!

Dear "(insert your name hear)",
I want you to know that I am thinking about you. I hope that you have had some happy moments throughout your day. I hope that if I asked you to, you could put a genuine smile across your face because of the feelings you have inside. I hope that as you read these words, you know how very unique and intelligent you are. Your body, mind, and spirit are a modern marvel! Imagine the simple miracle of your breath sustaining you. Sit up straight. Take a slow breath in through your nose and breathe it out. Stretch your neck a little. Close your eyes for a moment. Imagine 5 things for which you are thankful. Isn't it amazing that your body and experience can change so fast?! As Dr. Seuss said, "You have brains in your head! You have feet in your shoes! You can steer yourself any direction you choose."

I want you to know you are part of an incredibly complex, ever changing, and remarkably extraordinary journey called life. And I want you to know that you can have tremendous power to affect your minute to minute experience. Claim this power. It is there inside you, active, awaiting cultivation and attention. And I would love for you to know that no matter what experience you ever face, you are not alone. No, you are never alone. There is a community that is there for you. Others have been where you are when trouble strikes. You are supported. And there is a Force of Love and Well-Being, a God if you will, at play amidst us that will sustain forever and always- regardless of our limited ability to understand it or even live it out as fully as we may like.

I want you to know that I've taken some time out of my day to write to You because You matter. You are a significant contribution to this world and my life by your very presence. You inspire. Take this message to heart. May it be a blessing for you.

Joy, Hope, Love, and Peace... That we all might share! Trish

Perfectionists, Let's Just Stop it!, ok?!

In the first 18 years of my educational experience (K-12 and 2 degrees at UMaine), I received 3 grades that were under an A. In 3rd grade, I got an A- in science. It might have been 4th grade, actually. My freshman year of college, amidst volleyball and adjusting to college life, my grandmother ended up in the hospital fighting for her life. I got a B+ in a math class. My 4th year of college, I got another B+ in photography. My parents always said, "Just do the best you can." So, that's what we did.
I found it shocking that both of my interviewers for Seminary said, "From your transcript, I see you're a perfectionist. How are you going to juggle school, work, and life?" To which I responded, "well, I'm not that much of a perfectionist. It'll be a challenge, but I'll be fine."
I WAS WRONG! I really AM a perfectionist and it is way more challenging than I thought it would be to juggle all this.

So, today I say to all perfectionists, friends, youth that I work with and love, family, neighbors, "LET'S JUST STOP WITH ALL THE RIDICULOUS PERFECTIONISM!" Nothing is ever perfect.
And here's something I'm learning from my Buddhist friends... even if it is perfect, give it but a moment, it'll change. Then, we'll have to do 2 things. First, get all sad or angry that's it not perfect anymore. Second, strip all the enjoyment from our lives getting stressed out about making it perfect again. And here's the horrible (and wonderful) news. The cycle NEVER ends.

Grades... always more homework and tests.
Relationships... always things to disagree about, get annoyed with, & never enough time together
Work... some days, it's tough to get going, things just don't go as planned
Sports... someone is ALWAYS better than me/you, the shots don't fall, the body runs out of gas
Friends... you need a friend and there's no one; sometimes even your BEST friend lets you down
God... doesn't answer the prayer on my/your time table or the way we want it
House... dishes get dirty again, the lawn keeps growing, driveways gotta be plowed, laundry
Technology... do I even need to begin a list of how wrong things can go?!
And the list goes on and on and on.

Have I driven that point home enough? Here's the good news. I want to uphold hope for myself and all my perfectionist friends.

INTRO to Buddhism: We are learning...
The 4 Noble Truths: The foundation of buddhist thought
1) There is suffering. (It's the way of life, aging, sickness, death, impermanence)
2) There is a cause of suffering. (We want things to be different than they are. Some of us want perfection!)
3) There CAN BE AN END TO SUFFERING. !!!!
4) This is the way to the end... the Middle Way. (true speech, action, thought; true mindfulness, livelihood, awareness; true understanding, true concentration)

In other words, let's just accept that our perfectionism actually does not make us perfect, it makes us suffer. LET'S JUST STOP IT, ok?!

INTRO to New Testament: We are learning...
Everyone has the right to their own opinion and thought process. Everyone has the right to state what they believe and question what they hear and read. And, with regards to interpreting the Bible, sacred scripture that it is, NO ONE IS PERFECT. Some interpretations may be more accurate than others based on the resources used, But there is absolutely no hope of getting the 100% correct interpretation of any biblical story. Perfection as a goal is a futile and empty effort.

In short, today I spent my whole day worrying about how I was going to change my situation so it could be a little more perfect. Work, school, and relationship. And guess what? I ruined almost my whole day.

Perfectionists, loved ones, especially the youth that I know and love, let's do ourselves and favor and JUST STOP with the striving for perfection. Please.

Let's do what we can toward a good effort, then cut ourselves some slack. Maybe even meditate or pray to break the cycle. :)
Joy, Hope, Love, and Peace... that we all might share! Trish

Contrary to popular belief, Seminary is not good for your faith

When the beliefs we hold most dear and most formative to our very existence are questioned, there are a couple of ways to go... 1) CRISIS 2) FREEDOM

I've decided. Contrary to popular belief, Seminary is not good for your faith. Yes, you are reading that correctly. Seminary, the study of Godly, theological, faithful things, is NOT good for your faith. I should clarify. Seminary is not good for your faith IF you want your beliefs to remain untouched and unscathed by the process of education.
I also have a hypothesis about this: "Seminary will cause unsettling emotional reactions that may be perceived as NOT good for your faith in the SHORT TERM."

Example: I read some things last week that brought many of the basic tenants of Christianity into question. I read some myths existing from around the time of Christ. I also read a lot of history. I had such thoughts as, "Was the whole thing made up?" and "No wonder they wrote it like that. It was a scam." Hmmm... you can perhaps imagine how those thoughts might be troubling to one's faith and beliefs. Not to mention JOB as a minister. I waned toward a small CRISIS.

YET, I've lived faithfully for many years. Just because someone says things about Christianity aren't exactly how I think they are, am I gonna let that get in the way of the FREEDOM and CREATION that I know can come about when we pay attention to the big questions troubling us? NO! Bring on the opportunity for knowledge.

So, how did I conquer the looming crisis of faith? In 2 ways. 1) My personal experience of tested faith in God, the Holy Spirit, and people, not scripture. I trusted myself. 2) I used what I am learning to approach scripture differently. I used exegesis (the critical explanation of a text, usually Biblical) to try and get in the mind of the authors of the New Testament and find out why they wrote what they did. And I experienced the greatest gift scripture has ever given me-- a Truth I already knew, fully confirmed and more full and complete than I had previously known it. God doesn't play favorites, ever. We, as individuals, are responsible for our own actions, reactions, and situations. God will be there, healing in hand, when we're ready.
Freedom and Creation, welcome to my mind. Crisis, you are not invited to return.

The very education which threatened me last week also freed me. I'm 5 weeks into Seminary. This could be a bumpy and wonderful ride.

Joy, Love, Hope, and Peace... that we all might share! T

Our church is awesome

People. Our church is awesome.

Seriously rock your world, change your life, make you a richer person, awesome.

I just came off of a weekend with 17 kids that can (and maybe will) attest to that thought.

But it’s more than just fun and games and youth ministry awesome. I just came out of my 2^nd classes in Introduction to Buddhism and Introduction to New Testament thinking how stinkin’ cool our church is. It has prepared me to fully enter into the dialogues of both of these classes with more than a complete beginner’s understanding of them. Friends, my experiences in this church have prepared me to be an important contributing member of discussions on issues of world religions, approaches to understanding and interpreting scripture, listening for the voice of God in my life/other’s lives, spiritual formation, the path of discipleship, acceptance and EMBRACING another’s viewpoint as equally valid as my own, and more.

Beyond that, when questions arise about what to do with scriptures that appear to contradict one another and what to do when 2 people come at an issue from apparent polar opposite ends of the spectrum where ne’er the 2 shall meet, I have experience in trust, listening, and discernment in a world church that gives me something to ADD to the conversation. (Clearly, it is not only the church that has shaped me for this study right now. I have family, friends, other experiences, and my own personality, BUT this church has allowed me freedom to grow into my own tested faith. It has that potential for all of us.)

There are people in this class that are reading things about scripture that are blowing their minds. They’ve come to class from fairly naïve understandings of scripture. They’ve never considered more open, scholarly, fair approaches to reading and interpreting. They’ve not been exposed to preaching that gives life to the scriptures that can then become Holy. They’ve not been exposed to embracing the person/opinion that irritates them the most. They’ve not been exposed to looking at scripture as a map.

We’re got some truly great things going. Man, we gotta live it out more and share it.

But not preaching, no. Who said it? “Preach love. Use words if you must.” We can do that. We sure can. But keep in mind though, our belief in education and study to help us understand and live a more fully Connected life are amazing.

Preach love. Use words to illuminate that message and free the minds of the lost and wandering.

We, as a church, are not messing around when it comes to taking our faith and journey both seriously/theologically/scholarly AND spiritually/transformatively/relationally. And we mix in fellowship, fun, potluck, and campfire to inform them all.

People. Our church is awesome.

Joy, Hope, Love, and Peace… that we all might share. ~T