I'm in a crying mood today.
I'm not sad. Nothing major has happened. No worries. I'm simply and completely overwhelmed.
People keep saying, "That's just Christmas," and of course, they're right. I know. I get it. It's a month devoted to indulgence. We indulge ourselves in giving, receiving, baking, eating, decorating, partying, preparing, expecting, hoping, and more. But there's something about "it's just the time of year" that doesn't help to soothe my mind and soul. I cannot accept that this is an acceptable way to feel just because it's the season for it.
Restless. That's actually the word. I'm not so much overwhelmed as restless. In every store I enter, there are tags hanging on trees for people who may have nothing if we don't buy for them. The homeless shelters in Bangor are low on volunteers to prepare their gifts to be given on Christmas Eve. Outreach International reminds us of all those people in Haiti needing water and shelter and of the people around the world who simply need education or a couple chickens and a hen. I'm reminded of my own limitations and insignificance in the grander scheme of Life.
Yet, as I shopped for one man who would supposedly be getting nothing for Christmas without the generosity of others, I was taken aback by his "want." At Manna Ministries, those asking for assistance list a "need" and a "want". They are almost always very modest. This man was not, and he disrupted my generally easy generosity. He asked for a Nintendo Wii gaming system. (I did not buy it for him... I considered coal and a scathing note... I also did not do that.) I guess the point is, I wanted to know he NEEDED something for sure, and I wanted to know he appreciated what he was given. In other words, I was putting substantial conditions on my giving. And there it is. I've allowed the consumerism in. I've let down my guard enough to lose sight of the real Spirit of Christ-mas. It doesn't feel good. It feels cheap. It feels unsettling. It feels in-authentic and anything but genuine and Spiritual.
And then, in a moment's flash of the true Spirit of Christmas, I am blown away by the unexpected generosity of a friend and a sister. There's a general level of expectation at this time that people will be "giving" in nature. 'Tis the season of giving after all. But, the un-anticipated gift of a youth reaching out for his friend and many people stepping forward with gifts of time, money, and love AT THE LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT, when none of us really had the time or money to give... that's what makes me cry. An unexpected text. A hope-filled plea. Answered need. And the best part is, for me, it wasn't about buying gifts for this friend and family... it was about supporting each other, knowing we're there for each other, understanding more deeply what community is about.
This season is so full. Full on every level-- emotional, physical, mental, spiritual. The opportunities for growth and meaning are limitless it seems. If we rationalize "it's just Christmas", I'm pretty sure we'll miss out.
This, to me, is the real meaning of Christmas. Opportunity born and recognized. Then a choice-- will I/we seize the opportunity of Love, Peace, Joy, Relevance when life is so overwhelming? Will I/we miss it and miss out, blinded by the gifts, glittery lights, sheer amount of need, etc...? To me, it's not so much about celebrating the Birth and Life of Christ as embracing the birth and life of this moment in my life and the lives of those with whom I meet and interact. In my heart of hearts, this is what I truly believe. I believe that's when Jesus becomes Christ.
May you take the time to reflect. May you take the time to just "be". May you take the time to pay attention to this season... full of opportunity.
Joy, Hope, Love, and Peace... that we all might share! Trish
PS... If I were preaching, I would at some point add this and more: What Christ, the Apostle Paul, and Christian communities throughout time have begun and lived out ONLY finds relevance for us as we reflect on it, examine it, find our Truth, and live it out. We are not Christians to point at Christ as someone to hide behind(... though in our weakness, he provides a shield and a model). We are Christians to point out what it means when a life is lived in tune with the Love of God. This is the goal... ever-failing, ever-succeeding. It's all at once a difficult and amazing journey. May yours be truly blessed.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Change???
After a fall that has been filled with study, reading, retreats, choir planning and practice, travel, giving up a coaching position that I love, attempting to reconcile Buddhist and Christian thought and practice, a new young adult ministry, and some changes in my personal life, I've decided that change is actually pretty hard.
Yesterday, after returning from a 3rd-8th grade retreat in Tiverton, Rhode Island which was rewarding and meaningful in so many ways, I was exhausted. But it wasn't just physical exhaustion. I think it was the mathematical reality of "an end-is-in-sight" + "I've-been-pushing-for-so-long" + "I'm completely physically wiped out" + "day-after-great-event-letdown"= utter exhaustion equation.
With one class to go in New Testament, I now have questions and doubts about nearly everything in the New Testament. I wish I were exaggerating, but I'm not. In one short little semester, I have, thankfully, been pushed so far to now confidently say, "For all that I know, I truly do not know all that much." :o) It's a wonderful, humbling, difficult, and disconcerting thing to be in that place in life. On the one hand, it would be nice to feel confident in my knowledge, in what my brain says and does and thinks. On the other hand, if I admit to my lack of knowledge, I'm left with what my heart says. And my heart can be completely trusted. It says, "Love deeply. Care. The most important things are people, relationships, support, and presence."
And so, with one class to go in Buddhism, I now know more than I ever imagined I would. I have answers and assurances about some of the most important questions of my life. Some of the places that need attention and healing inside me are being touched. I have a tool, called Meditation, which I intend to use daily for the rest of my life. 15 minutes of meditation can range from being so frustrating to so entirely liberating, but meditation ALWAYS yields more positive results in my life than I can express.
With all of these experiences, I am within the season of Advent--my favorite time of the Christian year. It is a time devoted to expectation and preparation for something new, precious, and special in each of our lives and in the life of our little communities (church, family, friends, etc...). I am aware daily that, in my awareness, I can become more peaceful in my behaviors, thoughts, and conversations. I can seek joy and find it in some moments. This is not easy!! But it is possible.
My emotions are on my sleeve. I am a bit raw and undone. I can go from giddy, to angry, to crying with love or sadness at the drop of a hat at times.
Am I in a good place? Am I mad (as in crazy)? Am I just exactly where I'm supposed to be?
Anyone can be the judge. As for me, I'm going to attempt to refrain judgment and move through it honestly. And that is my prayer for all. May we be aware, expectant, and honest, tending to those we know and love this holiday season.
Joy, Hope, Love, and Peace... that we all might share! Trish
Yesterday, after returning from a 3rd-8th grade retreat in Tiverton, Rhode Island which was rewarding and meaningful in so many ways, I was exhausted. But it wasn't just physical exhaustion. I think it was the mathematical reality of "an end-is-in-sight" + "I've-been-pushing-for-so-long" + "I'm completely physically wiped out" + "day-after-great-event-letdown"= utter exhaustion equation.
With one class to go in New Testament, I now have questions and doubts about nearly everything in the New Testament. I wish I were exaggerating, but I'm not. In one short little semester, I have, thankfully, been pushed so far to now confidently say, "For all that I know, I truly do not know all that much." :o) It's a wonderful, humbling, difficult, and disconcerting thing to be in that place in life. On the one hand, it would be nice to feel confident in my knowledge, in what my brain says and does and thinks. On the other hand, if I admit to my lack of knowledge, I'm left with what my heart says. And my heart can be completely trusted. It says, "Love deeply. Care. The most important things are people, relationships, support, and presence."
And so, with one class to go in Buddhism, I now know more than I ever imagined I would. I have answers and assurances about some of the most important questions of my life. Some of the places that need attention and healing inside me are being touched. I have a tool, called Meditation, which I intend to use daily for the rest of my life. 15 minutes of meditation can range from being so frustrating to so entirely liberating, but meditation ALWAYS yields more positive results in my life than I can express.
With all of these experiences, I am within the season of Advent--my favorite time of the Christian year. It is a time devoted to expectation and preparation for something new, precious, and special in each of our lives and in the life of our little communities (church, family, friends, etc...). I am aware daily that, in my awareness, I can become more peaceful in my behaviors, thoughts, and conversations. I can seek joy and find it in some moments. This is not easy!! But it is possible.
My emotions are on my sleeve. I am a bit raw and undone. I can go from giddy, to angry, to crying with love or sadness at the drop of a hat at times.
Am I in a good place? Am I mad (as in crazy)? Am I just exactly where I'm supposed to be?
Anyone can be the judge. As for me, I'm going to attempt to refrain judgment and move through it honestly. And that is my prayer for all. May we be aware, expectant, and honest, tending to those we know and love this holiday season.
Joy, Hope, Love, and Peace... that we all might share! Trish
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