Change???

After a fall that has been filled with study, reading, retreats, choir planning and practice, travel, giving up a coaching position that I love, attempting to reconcile Buddhist and Christian thought and practice, a new young adult ministry, and some changes in my personal life, I've decided that change is actually pretty hard.

Yesterday, after returning from a 3rd-8th grade retreat in Tiverton, Rhode Island which was rewarding and meaningful in so many ways, I was exhausted. But it wasn't just physical exhaustion. I think it was the mathematical reality of "an end-is-in-sight" + "I've-been-pushing-for-so-long" + "I'm completely physically wiped out" + "day-after-great-event-letdown"= utter exhaustion equation.

With one class to go in New Testament, I now have questions and doubts about nearly everything in the New Testament. I wish I were exaggerating, but I'm not. In one short little semester, I have, thankfully, been pushed so far to now confidently say, "For all that I know, I truly do not know all that much." :o) It's a wonderful, humbling, difficult, and disconcerting thing to be in that place in life. On the one hand, it would be nice to feel confident in my knowledge, in what my brain says and does and thinks. On the other hand, if I admit to my lack of knowledge, I'm left with what my heart says. And my heart can be completely trusted. It says, "Love deeply. Care. The most important things are people, relationships, support, and presence."

And so, with one class to go in Buddhism, I now know more than I ever imagined I would. I have answers and assurances about some of the most important questions of my life. Some of the places that need attention and healing inside me are being touched. I have a tool, called Meditation, which I intend to use daily for the rest of my life. 15 minutes of meditation can range from being so frustrating to so entirely liberating, but meditation ALWAYS yields more positive results in my life than I can express.

With all of these experiences, I am within the season of Advent--my favorite time of the Christian year. It is a time devoted to expectation and preparation for something new, precious, and special in each of our lives and in the life of our little communities (church, family, friends, etc...). I am aware daily that, in my awareness, I can become more peaceful in my behaviors, thoughts, and conversations. I can seek joy and find it in some moments. This is not easy!! But it is possible.

My emotions are on my sleeve. I am a bit raw and undone. I can go from giddy, to angry, to crying with love or sadness at the drop of a hat at times.

Am I in a good place? Am I mad (as in crazy)? Am I just exactly where I'm supposed to be?

Anyone can be the judge. As for me, I'm going to attempt to refrain judgment and move through it honestly. And that is my prayer for all. May we be aware, expectant, and honest, tending to those we know and love this holiday season.

Joy, Hope, Love, and Peace... that we all might share! Trish