Last weekend, I played in a volleyball tournament with a very talented and skilled team. Their level of play, and my observation of the abilities in the entire gym, combined to allow me to play, in my opinion, the best all-around day of volleyball I have ever played. This was incredibly exciting. An added benefit... the team I was a part of won the tournament and we had a blast competing together.
The downside: my ego kicked in. I'm not talking about my ego like "Oh, I'm so good. Look at me go" ego. Nope. (To the contrary, there were FAR better players than I represented last weekend. I marveled, wonderfully inspired, by what their/our bodies could/can achieve!) I'm talking about my Freudian-ego-- that part of me which seeks to sort out my identity, which seeks to define me in terms that are Good, will bring Pleasure, and in many ways anesthetize any sense of inferiority, pain, or discontent which may arise.
I have made a conscious practice the past 4 to 5 months to let go of my ego, at times more and at times less gracefully aware of my most humbling existence in our vast and diverse human race. I think, perhaps, my ego took this opportunity to rise up mightily and remind me of its immense power to cloud the mind when left unchecked. Sports and competition: two of its greatest allies in my life. This backlash-ing attack of ego has left me nearly unable to recognize myself or find a center from which to operate. It may sound dramatic but such is my existence.
And the complexities of life always add in as factors in the ebb and flow of life's equation: I've been sick. I'm coming down from the Christmas high. (always something to look forward to in the Holiday Season... what now?) I'm making some important decisions about work and school, scheduling and finances, home and hearth. Dare I be transparent enough to say that monthly hormonal event we females endure to bring most precious new life to earth came to visit me? (Yes, I do dare. But see how I put it in such lovely terms so as to cover up my embarrassment at mentioning it. I'm all about full disclosure at present.) And recent experience at seminary has left me wondering what ways work best for me in my approach to God, the Eternal, my inner relationship with Divinity.
This week I read two of Reverend Kate Braestrup's memoirs, Here If You Need Me and Marriage and Other Acts of Charity. Kate is chaplain for the Maine Warden Service. Of the many stories that touched me in her books, the gem which helped bring greatest awareness was a discussion regarding transparency.
"Exactly! Yes! Yes! The whole point of a window is that you look through it. Right?... The whole purpose and function of a window is to look through it, to see what lies beyond it.... Ahhhh, indeed! Yes, my clever friends, this is what Tillich was trying to get at: Scripture is a window. A prayer is a window. The Bible is a window and even- though Tillich got in trouble for saying so-- Jesus was a window." (p104 Marriage & Other Acts...)
If that is all true, then it may also be true that this brief period of my life- marked by depressive moods, a poor and breaking heart and Spirit, and an inability to rise-up as my extrovert personality generally leads- is also transparent. Staying present in the experience, I can let it Be, without judgment or the need to change it, confident this experience is a part of Divine-Manifestation unfolding.
Fortunately for me, I am surrounded by people who Graciously and Grace-fully love me enough to let it happen, let me happen. My boyfriend, my sisters, my Mom, my friends, my nieces even (though they'd prefer I "make them laugh" on command while watching them in the tubby), accept me, talk with me, Love me... amazingly expecting nothing in return.
Surrounded by Love, I recognize my ego's need for control, definition, meaning.
Surrounded by Love, I breathe into it and Let Go. Transparently aware.
Joy, Hope, Love, and Peace... that we all might share, Trish
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